In a very irritable mood right now, perhaps cos of a combination of various reasons (or excuses, if you want):
– inefficient people
– uptight people
– ignorant people
– maybe the time of the month is coming
– related to the second last post
– payment for US fees
– irresponsibility (on both my part and others’)
Things that make me irritated:
– False accusations
– Inefficiency especially by people who pretend to be better and right
– Lack of trust in me
As I was writing the above, I realised that I felt slightly bad as I thought of the things that make me angry, because I probably do the same to others, which means that others might have been similarly annoyed by me. For example, I wanted to add ‘ignorant people’ in the list, but I realised that I can’t do that. Being a person who’s not not ignorant (i.e. I am ignorant on some issues as well), I can’t just say that ignorant people annoy me, because that’s similar to me saying that I’m annoyed by myself, right??? Idk, maybe I AM annoyed by myself, for being so easily affected by things around me and for being so negative today, when I’m supposed to look forward to having fun overseas.
Idk, I probably just threw out whatever I could think of at the moment. Isn’t it strange how people tend to write more when they are feeling negative? I guess writing does serve it’s purpose of being a form of therapy and healing, but it’s also quite sad how we only record more of the bad stuff than the good, which in turn makes life seem more miserable than it actually is.
For the first time in a long while, I’m thinking if I should stop working after I return from the States. On the one hand, I admit that I’ve been feeling less fulfilled and less engaged at work recently (there’s nothing much to be excited about anymore), and doesn’t this negativity just say something? On the other hand, I feel like I shouldn’t carry any unhappiness with me over time – after all, by the Buddhist philosophy, isn’t the Self different at every moment? And on a less pretentious level, I don’t want to be type of person who backs down when I’m unhappy.
How many times must I tell you to not pin your happiness and your sense of fulfilment on something else, or on someone apart from yourself? Don’t you know how vulnerable this makes you? Don’t listen to your heart, your heart is weak. Listen to your head, your head will protect your heart.