Exasperation that leads to Liberation

This must be exasperation.

You know the feeling when you’ve been the one who has succumbed so many mind games that you no longer care about it now and you finally gain control of your own mind and emotions and thoughts? No longer caring about what he thinks and what other people think, you finally gain control over yourself and free yourself psychologically, emotionally and even physically.

It’s great arriving at this conclusion. It has taken me months of back-and-forth rationalising with myself, and I don’t regret any of the decisions that I have made, because they have finally helped me to hang on and arrive at this conclusion, which I must say is the best one yet, because of the sense of peace that it brings. Unlike what happened previously, I no longer think incessantly about it (I mean, I AM obviously thinking about it now, but I don’t foresee myself pondering about it in the near future, after I clear my thoughts). Anyway, if you can actually get pissed at this, you must be a really petty person. I’m sorry to say it so bluntly, but it’s all I can think of at the moment. The ‘liberal arts’ side of me that I’m honing is trying to get me to consider your perspective. So maybe I’m being too quick to judge, or not being empathetic, but it’s not like I can – or will – try to understand you further, since you obviously don’t care about making that possible. I can’t be making a one-sided effort for all the time I’m under your employment.

If you’re pissed, you are probably going to bitch about it to you wing men, who, alas, will be quick to judge too. But it’s okay, I no longer care about that anymore as well. I would have liked to keep things cordial and polite and on good terms, especially after the long time I tried to improve my relationship with a particular one of them. But if my instinct does not fail me, I’m quite positive that (1) I did nothing wrong this time (as I briefly mentioned in the earlier post), which is why I can justify this decision so peacefully now (2) if I had indeed improved my relationship with that one person, then she would probably understand and not take it too negatively (3) she probably doesn’t care anyway, kinda like you. Or do you actually care, which is why you’re giving me the cold-shoulder, right? (4) the trash talk won’t last long anyway, if it even happens, because of all the politics happening behind your back.

Regi was right – she told me that there’s a lot to learn from a ‘leader’ like you, when I told you how nice and accessible you were. There’s a lot to learn about work politics as well, and I’m thankful that I got this chance to experience how work relationships can be like. While I maintain that there was nothing wrong with this particular text that I just sent, I concede that some aspects could have been better: like not sounding like you are needed (because the moment you think you are needed is the moment when you are not), or not asking so directly, or not asking after you just majorly slacked your previous shift away etc. I definitely could have considered those additional aspects before I sent that text that you have been blue-ticking, probably hoping to send me into playing another one of those mind-games. But thankfully, this is a mind game that I have decided to not play and instead escaped from. And you know, I’ve learnt a lot from this whole process, so for that, I thank you. Really.

Till today, I have never expected this stint to end with a burnt bridge (lol who’s the one who burnt the bridge anyway), but the best thing about burning bridges in this sector and job is that you know – for a fact – that you aren’t ever going to need this on your CV (probably – but that uncertainty is there only because someone will always say ‘how do you know what’s going to happen in the future’). It seems like everyone in my life had been wondering why I subject myself to a life of underemployment in a minimum-wage, seemingly-meaningless and low-skilled job, but I still maintain that it wasn’t a waste of time. I stand by everything that I have said previously about this job- all the good and the bad, including what I had gained out of it – but I also agree that they are right. I am indeed underemployed, but it is precisely this underemployment that has granted me this leeway to feel at peace with this burnt bridge, because I know that in the future, I will never need you again, just like how you don’t need me. I am as dispensable to you as you are to me. One doesn’t always get to say that, unless they are at the top of the top, but I get to say that because you are at the bottom.

Bye Mr Nice Guy, it’s been nice working for you and I thank you for everything nice, fake-nice and not-so-nice. If you do decide to reply me, I will still continue my underemployment, but I will never fall for any of your nice mind games ever again.

I wanted to get to know you better to learn more from you, but I got to know myself better instead and that’s the best lesson I could have gotten.

/Well, this is not surprising, but I could easily go on and on and pour my mind out in various repetitions of the same content, but I’m tired of typing already. More eloquence would be better, but this suffices for now./

I would probably tell someone about this, but it is not important enough. Or like, it’s so easily direct that I’ve got it all settled and thought-through. (side note: it’s funny how one person leaves your mind as soon as another enters it)

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