Emotions

I get so annoyed easily recently. Like now – I just told my friend to do something but she doesn’t do it, and I get annoyed by that. But at the same time, I recognise that it’s because I didn’t tell it to her in a very clear manner, and because I didn’t say it in a way that suggests that I was actually talking to her. And because of that, I’m even more annoyed. I’m so annoyed by how I am unable to convey and articulate myself in a convincing manner that shows that I’m not just talking to myself, or talking to thin air. Times like this just make me detest myself and my inability to speak up and speak out. Such negativity only spawns more negativity and perpetuates itself when I compare myself to others and think of how they are able to do all that I can’t do, manage everything at a much higher level and quality, and be so happy and find fulfilment in everything that they do. (Seriously, even autocorrect and the strange auto-capitalisation that this phone does makes me irritated.) Anyway, this isn’t the first time this has happened, but sometimes I find it so hard to be happy for my friends even when they have achieved something or when they are happy. Instead, I just get jealous and envious of them and wonder what makes me so incompetent by comparison. Then I get disgusted by myself for being a bad friend. (/honestly, why does the stupid iphone keep autocapitalising words like Long Friend and Super???!!?!??!?!/) So yeah, anyway end of my rant. This has actually happened countless times in the past. I guess it’s both a blessing and a curse that I – and many other people, I’m sure – can’t ever be fully satisfied and content with ourselves, who we are and what we have done. Blessing, because this helps us know where we are lacking, and shows us the potential room for improvement. Curse, because this knowledge of our flaws and incompetencies can make us so demoralised and resigned and just, grumpy and irritated and sad.

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