I kinda wrote about this in my journal yesterday. The semester has ended, but instead of feeling relieved and carefree, I feel strangely empty, like I don’t deserve a break. I haven’t worked hard enough this semester, haven’t made school as fulfilling as it should be – in academics, co-curriculars, social life, etc. You name it, I’ve got it (meaning that I haven’t actually gotten anything)
I guess at this stage, I’m just very, very frustrated by how I haven’t found a niche that I’m good at and/or passionate about enough to channel my energy and focus towards. Instead, I’m just stumbling through life, doing whatever I think I’m interested in and ending up just living from deadline to deadline (i.e. from a moment of dread to another moment of dread), scratching the bare surface of everything without getting anything done successfully. At the same time, I keep feeling envious of people who have managed to find that balance, who know exactly what they want and what they are going to focus on. I wish I could just live relaxed and carefree, while feeling fulfilled and not idle. Is this asking for too much? Are these inherently contradictory?
No point wishing, though. No point making a whole long list of dreams and goals and not working towards them diligently. Academics and student organisations and social life aside, I’ve got to start thinking about my career prospects and internships and CV. (Summer is coming soon, and to have a meaningful summer, I’ll need to plan to secure an internship, and to do that, I’ll need to get a good CV and know what it is that I want to apply for etc.)
Is this what growing up means? This is such a bleak start to my 20th year – 3rd decade – of existence. Time is flying by; before I know it, sophomore year will end, college will end, and the adulting years will start, with jobs and careers and whatnot.
Today, I went to work. 3 new staff I met today were 15-16 years old. I don’t look at them any differently; they could easily be my friends if we knew each other a little better. But thinking of my age makes me realise that I am no longer a young child. I’m moving out of the ‘young adult’ group, into the ‘formal adult’ zone soon. These teens and I are FIVE years apart in age. We have so many things in common, yet we also have so much differences in terms of priorities, and supposed role in society. Times like this are when I start buying into the typical stereotypes surrounding retail work. Do I really want to spend 6-15 precious each week on a brainless job that teenagers can do too? There, I feel confident that I know my stuff (I mean, there honestly isn’t that much to know) and that’s a great feeling to have, but it feels a little stifling, like I don’t have much more room for growth and challenge myself AH I DON’T KNOW HOW TO EXPRESS THIS PROPERLY.