I am really tired.

Having an iphone, somehow, reduces the frequency of me using random apps. I don’t quite understand why, since it’s no less convenient than what my Samsung interface used to display. Or maybe it’s just because the semester has ended and there isn’t anything for social media to distract me from. (Bad English, sigh)

I’ve been feeling really lazy this semester, even this break. I’m lazy to move and to think, even. Just a few minutes ago, I tried to come up with a vocabulary to describe how infrequent I have been using my social media apps, and I realised that I don’t actually want to think. I just want things to pop into my brain without me having to do anything. 

I don’t want to do anything, yet paradoxically, I want to have everything. It’s quite strange, really. Sometimes, I wish I can just escape from this self-imposed busy and iron-cage-like life and retreat into an idyllic world where I can just chill, relax and enjoy simple beauty in life etc.; but at the same time, I realise that I can never be content with being idle and mediocre. It’s like, I want to have a very normal life where I can just enjoy whatever life throws at me and take them all in my stride, but I don’t want to just be an average person, y’know. I’m built for so much more than average, and I deserve so much more than mere mediocrity. But I guess I need to work for it, but I’ve simply got little – if any – energy to do so, to keep trying, and to keep hoping, while knowing that chances are that results won’t be spectacular even if I try anyway. My goodness, am I contradicting myself???

Honestly though, I am really, really tired and exhausted mentally and emotionally. Not so much physically, though I must say that this mental stress has resulted in me stuffing my face with food and therefore making me become fatter. 

I just want to sleep my way till life becomes great, really. But nothing good in life ever comes easy. Is this when the cloak becomes the cage????? Is there no escape from this iron cage??? I am so tired of it all.


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