It’s funny

It’s funny how for someone who says she detests a grades-oriented system so much, she places so much of her self-worth on her academic results. 

Earlier this morning, the results for Sem 1 were released, and I did better than I had expected. Didn’t get any grade in the C range (was expecting a C+ for FOS), coupled with an A for Spanish (finally) and a B+ for IR (wasn’t expecting anything for this module honestly) helped to pull my CAP up. It’s still not high, but since I had been expecting my shitty CAP to plummet further, this was a pleasant surprise. I’m also very surprised by how much lighter I feel, and how I’m feeling slightly more recharged for the coming semester. I didn’t think that I had placed so much of my self-worth on my academic performance. But I don’t think this feeling will last for long, because I’m already starting to subconsciously wonder how my peers did, how much better they are doing, and how I’m probably still at the same relative position (which isn’t good). Above all, I’m conflicted by how I actually feel about this whole grades thing. One moment I decry the emphasis placed on grades, and the next moment I see myself judging myself and others on how well they are doing academically.

It’s funny how I so desperately wanted to improve my relationship with my manager, only to find out trash about her months later.

Gossips, gossips and more gossips. Who do I trust, do I regret my choice to get closer to her, do I feel like a fool to be a blind follower to someone who is possibly a backstabber? Etc etc. Honestly, I don’t, because this has always been just a job for me, albeit one that I had so much attachment to (positive or negative) for more than a year. I had told myself that this was supposed to be a learning journey and a low-stakes exposure to the reality and politics of the working world, and this job did not fail me in this aspect. Will probably write more about this – (personal) relationships in the workforce – privately in time to come.

It’s funny how my behaviour in reality is so misaligned from one that I would like to see in an ideal world.

Am I being a hypocrite? Wishing for a more gracious and more caring society while not doing anything doesn’t make me any less selfish and self-centered than the people upon whom I base my comments. 

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