I drafted this 10 months ago, but I don’t know if it ever got published.

Once again, I am experiencing an inexplicable feeling of sadness, like there’s a huge hole in my heart. I’m not missing anything or anyone. I just feel empty but I don’t know why. Sometimes, when this happens, I don’t even know if my heart is empty like there’s a lot of room to receive more emotions, or if my heart is too full and overflowing with emotions that have nowhere to be channelled to.

Maybe this is all because I’ve been listening to sad songs/ ballads/ old songs that bring back so much memories from 2009-2010.

I want to write. Like, write physically, using a pen and paper.

I’m so sick of my LH paper. I hate how I keep writing long sentences and long paragraphs that keep beating about the bush. I hate my messy sentences and my unorganised structure. Ugh I  hate how I’m not getting good grades in college and how some people can actually get better grades than me.

This feeling of inadequacy… I should have gotten used to it, but I have not. And I’m glad that I have not. Or maybe I have, that’s why I’m not too bothered by it. Am I even bothered by it? I can’t figure it out.

Listening to Taylor Swift’s country songs always makes me wish that I have someone whom I can count on to always be with me, but deep down, I know that that’s not realistic. People disappoint, just like how you will disappoint others too. There’s no use living in a romantic fantasy world.

Romantic fantasy… Wasn’t that the festival where SS501 dressed up as girls and performed? I don’t know, I can’t remember. If I wasn’t listening to a song right now, I might just go look that up on YouTube and then get sucked into the black hole… Or maybe not, since the video quality is so bad that I’ll probably give up watching it.

Anyway, I feel my eyelids getting heavier but I shouldn’t go to sleep yet because I still have 1/3 of my essay left to do, even though I’m stuck and I probably can’t write a coherent piece.

I love it when my fingers fly over my keyboard, typing things at the same pace as my brain thinks of them. But that rarely happens, right?

I wish I could express myself more eloquently, write less clumsily and actually sound coherent. I hate feeling messed up in every aspect – in life and in writing.

Cos when you’re fifteen, and somebody tells you they love you, you’re gonna believe them. Really? I don’t know. I just want to be able to write as well as Taylor Swift. It must feel really good to be able to write your thoughts and emotions in a 4min song/ poem. That’s so concise and neat.

I wonder if I will ever let anyone read my blog/ documents/ journal entries one day. I’m not embarrassed by them, but I’m wondering if I will ever trust someone THAT much.

I sound like I have trust issues. Maybe I do.

Life is so meaningless recently. It’s exciting but meaningless, you get it??? Like there’s always something going on, something that you can easily engage in, but at the same time, that’s so utterly meaningless if you are not helping anyone. I’m not improving anyone’s life and that just means that I’m wasting time even if I’m occupied. I wish I could make it sound like it makes sense, but alas, my writing is too choppy and clumsy.

I used to have such strong wanderlust, but not anymore. Not recently, at least. I want to travel, but I’ve had enough travelling sans my family. I want to bring my family around the world but they don’t want to waste money.

I am so tired but I love getting myself exhausted because it feels like I channelled my energy into something. Lying to myself, I know. But ugh, whatever????

Fuck it. it’s 5 am  I need to finish LH ASAP so that I can do the stupid exhibition poster then hopefully get a nap before going for class at 1030am. Then lunch/break/nap/shower before class at 230 then work at 4 then home. I do hope I finish LH in 3 more hours so that I CAN FORGET ABOUT IT OVER THE HOLY WEEKEND. OH, wait. I can’t just forget about it because it’s probably going to be so crappy that I’ll have to edit it like a thousand times.

Ohmygod am I stressed? I want to watch Zootopia, I really do. But when? And with who?

And I want to watch Les Mis too. Again, with who?

I feel like I have friends but at the same time, I don’t have friends.

Do I really have friends?

What are friends anyway?



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